Was there a time I wanted to quit everything? Constantly.
WARNING: This is one of those posts that just might, well… SOMEBODY needs to hear it.
This post was never my intention this morning, and to be completely transparent, I stopped myself 3x before diving in. There was so much that occurred over the last 12 months, even more, that occurred over the last 4 years, and even MORE in the last 6. The way my life looks, feels and IS right now is completely different than the way I envisioned it back in 2012. Reflecting back on where I wanted my life to go, and where God knew it was heading are so far off, it made me question if I had lost my mind.
With every change that happened, from leaving a job (twice), to taking on raising a child, being in a massive car accident that nearly killed us, to relocating back to New Jersey after spending 10+ years in Carolina, none of the choices I made would make sense to the majority. It has caused me over the years to learn that faith can get you through anything.
Were there fears?
Was there a time I wanted to quit everything?
Did I ever doubt getting out of the next situation that seemed to be suffocating me?
And then we get to today…. A rainy, fall day in November. My routine coffee shop has changed. My career has completely shifted. My friends that we once on my speed dial have become acquaintances and in some cases strangers. There is so much to this story I can’t even reveal yet because there are still pieces that are falling together with the circumstances around me.
So as I sat here, with my coffee and computer, I really started thinking. I should say God really started pushing me to reflect back. Because someone, somewhere needs to hear that the situation they are making it through is just that: a situation.
There is always an alternative and always an option to give up. We talk about each other in ways that compare our shortcomings as lesser because we can’t understand why someone else has picked a different poison to cope.
I know why you endure that abusive relationship… because you think that there is Love on the other side.
I know why you stick that needle in your arm… because you have forgotten what happiness feels like and it feels like you are dying when you want to stop.
I know why you can’t put the food down that is contributing to the weight weighing you down and causing congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, diabetes, and limited mobility.
I know why you doubt yourself as not being enough… because your mother didn’t show you that you were.
I know comparison syndrome is real and you are always measuring up to the next person.
The pain you feel right now, the hurt that has lingered for so long, the emptiness that you have been waiting to be filled… all of that. There is a reason for it.
And if you ever asked to be more than what you are right now, or surrendered saying that you would do whatever it took to get to the goal you envisioned, this is all part of the process.
I know that anxiety can take your breath away… literally.
And I also know, that the reason mental health is ignored by many is because we would rather deny something we can’t see in others, and risk someone else finding out what was really going on within ourselves.
This thing you are dealing with, the secret no one else knows in your mind, the loudest doubter in the room that resides in between your two years, other men and women have the same thoughts as you.
Taking care of your own mindset is a critical component to being the best version of you.
A million and one dollars might be a million more dollars than you have right now but there are also a million more problems that could come your way. Or did you think 40 fewer pounds on the scale would take all the feelings of being not enough away? No that won’t work either.
Start with the decision to change your mind. Begin by placing yourself as the first priority so that you can carry out the mission and calling that continuously echoes in your mind. Stop wanting to fix everyone else around you and then get back to yourself.
My prayers these days have changed drastically. A younger me used to pray for things to be eliminated and struggles removed. Now my prayers are circled around what the circumstance is teaching me. Why did God give this to me? and where do I go with this from here?
Walk by faith, not by sight. Grace will get you through. You have such a beautiful story that has so many more pages to be written.
My prayer for you, the one still reading that knew this was for them: Let them take on another day because perhaps they were made for such a time as this.
That obstacle is only there to teach you a lesson. Choose to learn the lesson so that is might pass you by. Once you start, I promise each bump in the road gets smoother and every naysayers gets a little quieter.
You are enough. <3